So I am watching the game 7’s tonight when an unusual email hit my gmail account. Now, before I show you the contents of that email, let’s review a commonly accepted principal: No NHL team is looking to add expenses right now, not in these economic times right? I mean can you imagine a team going on a hiring binge, adding headcount now? Neither can I. So the only logical reason we can assume for a team to be looking to add a person would be in the event that someone was let go. There is no additional headcount when you are replacing one. The Dallas Stars owner, Tom Hicks, we are lead to believe may be staring chapter 11 himself so we have to assume that if the Stars are hiring, it’s to replace someone leaving.
Ok: So here is what was in the email I got:
Human Resources Manager – Dallas Stars/Texas Stars & Cedar Park Center (Cedar Park, TX)
• Conduct benefits orientations with newly hired employees
• Responsible for enrolling new employees in all benefit plans, including health, dental, life, optional life, long term disability and Section 125 plans, as well as the 401K program.
• Enter new hires and benefit deductions/information into the payroll system, as well as changes made by existing employees
• Oversee and coordinate drug testing program with selected vendor/laboratory
• Prepare COBRA notices for terminated employees
• Serve as the liaison between employees and insurance and/or retirement plan company
• Prepare reports/data files for AHL retirement plan contributions. Send money for funding on a per paycheck basis.
• Assist managers in recruiting efforts (posting the position, reviewing resumes, conducting interviews, generating offer letters)
• Correspond with media sources regarding recruitment advertising
• Assist hiring managers in obtaining interns
• Provide reference checking and background check services to managers
• Receive submitted resumes and send response letters
• Enter new employees in payroll system
• Review AHL invoices for on & off-ice employees for medical/dental/life coverage
• Liaison with our insurance companies and facilities department to ensure compliance with safety issues
• Notify General Liability insurance carrier of any potential liability claims
• Handle insurance and registration for sponsorship and/or leased cars
• Serve as point of contact for verification of employment requests
• Assist in salary administration
• Update policy and procedure manual and intranet
• Liaison with insurance company for Cedar Park Center & Texas Stars workers’ compensation
• Conduct exit interviews, reclaim company property
• Process and post OSHA reports
• Serve as office manager (ordering supplies, keep office machines in working order, postage and shipping contracts)
• Responsible for time off tracking for Cedar Park Center and Texas Stars full-time employees
• Serve as confidential point of contact for receiving employee concerns/complaints
• Coach managers on employee relations issues
• Ability to conduct confidential investigations as needed
• College degree required
• Five plus years experience administering employee benefits and 401K
• Ability to work flexible hours
• Excellent written and verbal communication skills, customer service and computer skills
• Demonstrated sense of urgency and confidential nature
Note: When you apply for this job online, you will be required to answer the following questions:
1. Yes/No: Do you have 5 years experience working as an HR professional?
2. Yes/No: What does the acronym FLSA stand for?
3. What is your favorite area of Human Resources?
Apply for this position”
“Now….why, in this economy would someone willingly leave a position like this with an NHL team??? They wouldn’t right? So therefore, there can only be one answer… The person who served in this Human Resources Role must have been the one responsible for bringing Sean Avery to Dallas! I mean, no one else paid the ultimate price for the act. Clearly this person did! Right??? Am I nuts? I mean, am I nuts for reaching that conclusion here?????
Note- this post is written entirely tongue in cheek.